December 12

     It's taken me a long time to realize I really did do something right. My kids. They are nice people, and more than anything they can ever accomplish, that makes me the proudest. I smothered them with love and hoped that was truly the vital ingredient.  I tried to instill the importance of attention to the world around them, but also fun; I blared George Michael and we danced in the family room. Unfortunately, I also burdened them as I spent years trying to cover for Him to protect them.  But over the holiday, my kids forced me to realize that all those years were really just a waste.  They were on to everything the entire time.
     For Thanksgiving, we spent five days in France.  He came.  I knew it would be tricky, but I've been walking a tightrope in order to keep our home somewhat in tact until my son graduated from high school.  Hmm ... after our trip, that is when the time-line certainly changed.  We were having dinner, just the four of us, at a sweet little restaurant. Then it happened. The explosion.  Right there in front of both of them, the attacks on me from Him, so out of the blue we all sat there silent. Shell shocked. I try not to throw up on the table. I am unable to speak.  All of a sudden, my kids immediately take over. Even though this is not their job, this is so not right. My son tells me to leave the restaurant, and I do. I just get up and go.  But as I leave, I now know with certainty we will never go through this again.  It is now snowing, I've been to France so many times and have never seen snow. I take this as a sign.
     But despite leaving, I realize I am becoming less invisible. I am not leaving because He said to, but because my son didn't like what he saw and didn't want to see me broken. Again. And I left because I wanted to. As I head toward the door, I hear my daughter --who will forever be a three-year-old covered in pink, hand-smocked dresses with huge bows in her hair --start to vituperate Him. She is able to do this without notice by the neighboring diners; after all these years she has finally commanded his attention and has done it with such inner strength. She berated him for his selfish, child-like behavior. She credited him with once again, ruining another event by his unpredictable behavior. She is now crying at the table.
     I was stunned to find out that after all these years, she really had noticed what was going on -- I thought I did such a good job of hiding it. I guess telling your kids that their father cannot come to the season's biggest regatta or the soccer game against the school's oldest rival, because he's just too busy, as he's leaving the house in his tennis whites, didn't really fool anyone but me...