November 19

     Living in 2 worlds gets exhausting. One foot in each. The old me, the one who is invisible, who is referred to at dinner parties as the "natural blonde", and the emerging me, the one I once was. The one who had no fear of the unknown and didn't wince when facing her own shadow. I'm still not sure why I woke up, what shook me out of my paralyzed life: kids leaving home? Maybe. But more likely, it was the fear of facing the rest of my life not being able to make choices, decisions, or have opinions. I started realizing how much I missed those things. Some of them seem so trivial when I say them out loud, but after twenty some years, I guess they stopped seeming so trivial. For some mystical reason, I decided I wanted certain things to return to my life. Constant laughter, loud music, friends stopping by at all hours, cooking dinners for whomever I feel so moved to cook for. And maybe not having those dinners dumped in the trash. And maybe, just maybe,  meeting someone who would look at me and like what they see. Like me for me.....

November 13

     It's fall. I hate fall because it means winter will ultimately come. Less light. Sometimes days go by with hardly any light and it is all I can do to get going. But it has always been like that. He announces to our therapist that I am depressed. Over medicated. Am suffering from an unhappy childhood, from having cared for sick and dying parents. That is the reason I want to leave. That is why he says I've changed. It's not because for all of my children's surgery's, I was alone in the waiting room; telling friends on the phone that yes, He was there with me.  Too sad to admit that He wasn't. And after years of pleading for Him to understand that there really is nothing wrong with me wanting the most for our kids, keeping their needs in the forefront, wanting them to have the childhood I may not quite have had, I've decided perhaps somewhere deep down I do know I may be right.  Somehow, He doesn't view the world the same way I do. It's not His fault. It's not my fault. It's just the way it turned out. And now, unlike before, with winter on the horizon, so is a new beginning, perhaps with hope instead of despair. And perhaps now, my parents will stop spinning in their graves over what I've let happen to my life. Once completely invisible, I'm slowly coming back. Even if only in black and white.....

November 5

     He stands there in the kitchen. "Kiss me goodbye."  So I turn, I look at Him wondering how someone could command someone to kiss them, without any emotion or feeling in their voice, and I close my eyes and peck him on his cheek. I turn away quickly back to the dishes.  "That was hardly worth it," He says.  I don't turn around, I don't answer, I just wonder what is actually going through His mind.  Merely minutes ago He was telling me about an ad He saw for a good fare on a trip to Istanbul. I've always wanted to go there, but not so much anymore. I left the room and thought, I've been enough places and if we went together, it would be His trip, not my trip. And then I feel it coming over me, the slow fading away, where my thoughts which were once so strong have grown weak, and my dreams which were so well defined have evaporated into the air. "Call me today. I like it when you call." He turns and leaves the room. And if I call, what would I say? Today, I have decided to save my breath just to breathe. Maybe tomorrow, I will try and talk, but not today...

November 4

     There was a time when there weren't ever enough hours in the day. When I could make a list of a thousand things that I was going to do tomorrow, or the day after that. Or how I would actually wake at the crack of dawn to go running, and do a million things before most people even thought of crawling out of bed. Not now. Sometimes it's all I can do to get up. To get out. And no, there is no exciting list for tomorrow, just errands. A never-ending list of errands that can wear me out so badly I have to crawl on the couch by the middle of the day just to recover.
     And then the phone rings and it's more things to do. He adds more errands for me to run, more mindless tasks to keep me from remembering that I ever did anything else but this. And then, of course, I will have forgotten something, missed something, overlooked something, or just plain not cared enough to think about something -- and I'll get the evening lecture on how to do these mindless tasks more efficiently, so that really I could do even more of them during the day. I'm not concentrating enough. I need Adderall. I go on Adderall. I still forget things. I eventually realize, I don't care. I don't want to make a list to go to the grocery store. It might be more efficient, but I'm not a grocery list person. I've never made one. I'd rather go, isle by isle, throw things in the cart, and leave. But to Him, that makes me the anti-wife. To me, at this point I'm just invisible. So I make a list. But then, of course, I forget to take it...

November 3

     I haven't always been invisible. In fact, there was a time when everyone could see me. I was bright, multi-colored. But then, with each year, I slowly began fading, until today, where I find myself invisible to all but a few.
     It took awhile though, to fade. To lose myself, my self-confidence, my dreams, my ambitions. And really, I blame myself more than anyone. For letting years pass, for letting my voice, once so vibrant and strong, slowly grow weak and eventually silent. And now, I find I am merely a shadow of my former self, not even recognizing the reflection in the mirror. But worst of all, not even knowing where to look anymore for my reflection, for me. And even wondering if I would know it if I saw it.
     But I know it is time to start looking for it, my old reflection, the one I use to know and the one I would recognize. It's time to start thinking about where to look for it. And even more importantly, it's time to find out why I became an invisible wife...