December 11

     Sometimes the only thing to do is walk.  I was out doing just that last night, around 2:30 in the morning, looking for deer.  And smoking, of course, because I only have one day left until I quit.  Usually I find deer quite quickly, despite being in the city, but last night I kept going and going and never found any.  I was disappointed because I have had some of my best conversations with them in the middle of the night, when I'm out walking.  Some nights, like last night, there was hardly a soul out, and here is this bustling city, it is seemingly still.  I kept walking. Searching.  Only problem was when I realized I was a few miles from home, I also realized there remained a long walk back. And still no deer.  Shit.  But it gave me time to breathe, so I was thankful for that.  He has gone skiing this weekend. Another chance for me to breathe.  Trying to recover from the explosions that keep recurring like hiccups. For me, I just count the days. It's time.  But I will continue to follow the advice I am given knowing that really, these weeks will eventually be just a blur.  But as I wait, I am developing new skills which are throwing off the status quo.  One night, after having had enough, I went into a screaming frenzy.  Shocked the heck out of myself; must have shocked Him even more.  Unfortunately, my son and his friends, who I thought had left for the evening, were pulling up to our house.  Getting out of the car, they could hear me screaming on the street.  A bit out of character for the woman they know.  I didn't know I could scream that loud, and when I think back, I'm actually somewhat impressed--despite the fact my throat hurt for the rest of the night.  I escaped to a friend's house, the mother of one of the boy's who was at my house, and immediately sent a text to my son to tell him where I was so he wouldn't worry.  He sent a text back.  It said just three words, "I love you."  It made me realize no matter how much crashes down around me, I will never lose the most important things. And in the end, I really am very lucky...