February 8

     Finally, information from the black hole.  After nearly 5 weeks, He spoke to me today.  The conversation lasted about maybe a minute -- He was on a speaker phone with His "family" psychiatrist, and I guess you could say there was an agenda.  The gist being He will be leaving said facility in six days; His sister will be arriving and will help Him find a place to live; He will be seeking a divorce from me; He wants no contact with me.  Well, that's that.  I cannot help to wonder how somehow, He has turned Himself into some sort of victim here.  I must say, I was a bit stunned.  I was actually expecting, well, an apology.  For ... anything, everything, making my life hell, all the horrible things He has said and done.  Hmmm.  Didn't come.  No question about how we were, how I've been taking care of absolutely everything while he's been taking His little, shall I say, rest.  Heck, I'm exhausted.  Wonder if they have a spare room.  I could use some Tai Chi.  And I'm still sad about my fallen tree.  Mauricio finally showed up today and chop chop chop.  It's all gone.  No more beautiful tree; not even a beautiful fallen tree.  It's now just gone.  I actually think that upset more than anything else today, losing that tree.  Must be time to move on.  The tree did...  

February 6

      My daughter called last night.  She asked if I had heard from Him.  I didn't want her worrying so I told her that He called His siblings a few times a day, but no, I hadn't heard from Him in about a month.  "What an ass."  He hasn't been in touch with her either.  "He calls them because He's never been mean to them," she said.  She is so perceptive about so much of this.  I told her that some day, she would have a relationship with Him, He is her father.  And then she said the most amazing thing.  She told me that she didn't want me feeling that I needed to feel any responsibility to stay married -- that she and her brother had a wonderful family life, the three of us, and that it was time for me to move on.  That I shouldn't feel guilty and that I needed to be happy.  I started to cry, and I thanked her for saying that.  And then she went on explaining more.  How did I raise such a wonderful kid?  How lucky am I?  Friday I received a call from his psychiatrist who said He wanted to schedule a phone call between Him, his shrink, and me.  Not in person, a call.  I said ok.  Weird, I thought.  Whatever.  Have no idea what is going to be discussed. I suppose something about His impending discharge.  His sister told me he is hoping to leave in one week. Go back to work. The news I get is through his family.  From across the country. When I call them and press them for info.  We'll see what He says. He's not coming home. I've had the locks changed...

February 2

     I am so tired of hiding.  I hide from the phone,  my friends,  His friends and co-workers ... all but a hand-full of people who know.  Otherwise, I'm trying to be invisible again.  Just in another way.  Can't answer questions, because I don't have answers.  He's been at this new place 8 days and my life remains in a holding pattern, waiting to find out how long He will be there, where He will go from there, and if he ever plans to speak to us again.  It would make things a tad easier.  So far, I'm pretty much winging it.  But I've been able to figure a lot out only because one of my best friends is a financial whiz, independently wealthy, and knows what I'm suppose to do, more or less.  Like paying the mortgage.  That took me four whole days to straighten out.  And in the midst of this chaos, this horrific crisis by pretty much any one's standards, this friend can still make me laugh.  Thank god for her.  Who else could actually say to you, "Your husband's in the fucking nut house, you can't do anything until he gets out, you have no idea where your money is, god your life sucks!"  And then we both laugh laugh laugh.  Honestly, some days, like a day last week, when I got a jury notice and a suspension notice for my DC driver's license in the mail, all in the same day, all on top of everything else, and I'm staring at my fallen tree that is still laying across my backyard -- one does start wondering ... exactly how much more am I suppose to take.  But I try not to wonder that anymore, because I've learned there is always something more waiting around the corner.  But then my dog starts barking, my son and his buddies come blasting through the front door, and my daughter calls on the phone.  Oh, who the fuck cares about all this other stuff.  I'm visible again...